Help with my new website write up please!

I've decided to change the write up on my website for the caravan, as I did it all in such a rush last year, I didn't think it out as well as I can now that I know it better, so I've changed it to this one, and would be most grateful for any little "tweaks" anybody would care to do or add to it! thanks Here it is then, I think it's a lot better than the last one.

If you're looking for a bit of peace and tranquility, lots of open space where you can walk the dogs in the surrounding forest, caravans sited so that they're not on top of each other, you have complete privacy with your own private garden, then our beautiful little holiday caravan is the one for you. We are very dog friendly too, so your furry friends are most welcome.
Set in 250 acres of beautiful woodland, with outstanding views, and yet only 10 minutes from the popular seaside resort of Hastings, with its wealth of history, the beautiful, dog friendly sand dunes at Camber Sands, the historic town of Battle with it's own Abbey, endless country walks over the Sussex Downs, you really are spoilt for choice.
There are plans to build an outdoor swimming pool this winter, so this should be up and running for the 2011 season. There is a large, relatively new, comfortable Country Club offering an excellent choice of food and drinks at very reasonable prices. There is a gym on site for those who wish to use it, and a newly equipped launderette should you want to do some washing.
Our caravan is sited on a very private area of this unique park - we are not overlooked, only by forest - and the van itself is not only comfortable and spotlessly clean, but has everything you could possibly wish for - even the cupboards are stocked with essentials such as tea/coffee/etc. The beds are already made up with clean, fresh linen, so there's no hassle of having to bring your own, only the towels please.
Both doors open out to our own private garden to the side,which has been newly turfed. There is a small patio area with large table/seating/parasol, where you can enjoy the full afternoon and evening sun, also having the benefit of large trees, offering some welcome garden shade, and all you can hear are the birds, it's a little piece of heaven on earth!
We are very proud to say, that during our very first year of letting we have received nothing but positive and kind comments in our visitor's book, everybody has been over the moon, all have stated it is exactly as we said it would be, and everyone has commented on how spotlessly clean it is, everything is new, even the carpets will have been changed for next season, so what are you waiting for, this unique country park, really is heaven on earth compared to most other caravan parks you may have come across! This is an owner's only park, whereby most of the owners spend the entire season enjoying their homes, we are one of the very few who wish to share it by generating some letting income, so you wouldn’t want to miss this ideal opportunity would you? We also consider ourselves to be one of the most reasonably priced, even during peak season, so why not drop me a line to enquire about prices and dates, you surely won't be disappointed, I can more than guarantee it!

I'm sure it's not perfick, so any ideas gratefully received!

I would add, that this is way past the initial introduction of my holiday caravan, this is the write up for people who have clicked on the "more information" tab, so that's exactly what it is, i.e. MORE information!

i got half way thru the first paragraph then noticed the length and lost interest

Yes, but where it IS, people will be wanting to know just about everything there is to know before committing themselves and booking! I know I do when I'm booking a holiday somewhere I don't know. You can't give too much information. I've learned that from all the bladdy questions they keep e-mailing me to ask me before booking, so I thought this would tell them all or most of it, there's lots more!

I like it mate!!!! Perhaps you could put some quotes from some of your guests, where they are from dates etc.

A bit chatty, but hey ho, that's you lol

xx

thats the way its meant to work.

the advert is meant to be sharp, snappy, bullet point, attention grabbing.

thats what gets you the phone call.

the conversation you then have is what makes the sale.

if i saw your ad in a list of others selling similar, i wouldnt give yours a look in.

even on dogsey i wasnt inspired to make that time and effort on it.

H, I would maybe swap the 1st and 2nd paragraphs around.

Just because the 1st offers info about the whole area and then the 2nd explains why your van within that area. JMO

Maybe mention fully enclosed or fully fenced when talking about your garden.

And just to make each point stand out maybe double spacing between the paragraphs

Love Elaines idea about adding guests or guestbook quotes - maybe in a section called guest reviews?

Yeah, that's a good idea, maybe I'll edit it, shorten it (although I don't do brief very well do I ). Thanks mate.xxxxxxxxx

The thing is this one is HALF the length of the old write up on there, and I've managed to book it for the entire season up to the end of October since starting this last June, so I aint too bovvered! Personally, I think it makes it stand out more when they're initially looking at them all, and there are only 2 others on my park, so they have the time to read it if that's the place they are wanting to stay, I think! Any critisism is welcome, I've taken your point onboard and will TRY and do the brief thing with it!

Yes, definitely Lynne, now that you've said about the 1st and 2nd, I'll swap them around then thanks for that!

I might put some of my reviews up coz they're all so good and positive, and in fact, I can put them all up, BUT, only for my own perusal, nobody else can see them until I'm logged in, so a bit pointless really! I've already asked the company whether we can have a place for reviews, but they want to keep it as it is, i.e. just for our own personal benefit, strange I thought! p.s. about the paragraph spacing, it is spaced on my original, don't know why it's come out like that on here! cockpit error on the puter methinks!