Thankyou strangechilde, your words mean a lot. I do understand about Taji not being compared to Laszlo and standing on his own strengths. Our dogs cant be replaced can they, and it would be an injustice to any new dog to not let them be him/herself and have to "live up" to the ghost of our lost dogs. No dog could ever replace George anyway, he was unique, but I have to be honest and say that if I did ever get another dog, while I would undoubtedly love it, I dont feel at this moment that I could love it like I loved George

Everyone, I appreciate your words and know you all understand how I feel. Thankyou, all of you.

Today has been the worst day since losing him. Ive totally crumbled today. Im ashamed to say I almost felt I didnt want to live without him in my life. Which is an unbelievably selfish thing to think, if only fleetingly. I have a Daughter that needs me, my first Grandchild on the way soon, my Elderly Mother who has lost her Husband just a few months ago. Today they lost patience with me. They all loved George too but dont understand the total devastation I feel.

George is in his new urn now. Its a statue of a dog that looks just like him. i bought a small replica collar of georges, put his tag on it, and he is next to me now as I write. When I go into a different room, I take him with me. My family think Im gone a bit mad. Maybe I have.
Ive kept a token amount of his ashes and ive sprinkled a small amount in the front garden where he used to lay, Im sprinkling some in the bluebell wood where we had our last walk, and some made into a ring.

Im surrounded by beautiful countryside where I live, but dont want to walk in any of it because I always walked with George there.
And I keep going over and over in my mind, finding him collapsed, going to the vet, not having time to think or say goodbye properly, could I have done this, or that, differently. What if Id been home when he collapsed, would it have been different, would he have been saved...how did I not notice he was so ill...so many questions.

I guess we all do that, but today its driven me to despair. Maybe tomorrow will be better?

Bebe, I'm glad you've posted and yes you are right we totally understand how you feel. I feel for you I really do. Gosh if I feel like this now for my friends on Dogsey heaven knows how I'm going to be when I lose Poppy. Some people don't understand even family sometimes. The love we have for our dogs is overwhelming and no matter what the circumstances of their death we always will have the ' what if's. I kept going over the ' what if's' when my Nico died, once I stopped thinking that way and tried to think more of what a wonderful and carefree life she had could I be sad without the immense pain. You gave George a wonderful life, you put him first and I think he knew this. I'm thinking of you. X

Well said, Popster.

Bebe, no, it would not have been any different. Haemangiosarcoma is almost invariably a death sentence. The only 'good' thing about it is that it typically causes no symptoms, no pain, especially on a nice squishy organ like the spleen, and it sheds no cells, so can't be picked up on normal blood tests. You wouldn't have noticed he was so ill because he wouldn't have noticed it himself. It sits there, quietly spreading itself, until one day it goes kablooie and that's the first anyone knows about it. Humans get it too and it's pretty much the same thing. I know that is small comfort. But by the time he had collapsed, he probably only had hours. You were there in time to be there for him and you were strong enough to give him the peaceful end he deserved. Remember that!

Maybe. I hope so. But maybe not. Take your time. If your family think you're a little nuts, let them. We certainly don't.

Thankyou Popster. Im going to stop with the "what ifs" and just remember what a comfort he was to me, what a friend, and the lovely time we had together. He knew he was loved and I knew he loved me back. A lot of dogs, or people, never get to experience that relationship, so Im thankful for the time we had, however much it hurts right now. Thankyou popster.

Strangechilde, you have no idea how much this post has helped me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You really have lifted a huge weight from my shoulders, and while im obviously still grieving, you have been such a comfort and given me more peace than Ive had since it happened. I cant thank you enough. Its made such a massive difference.

Ive actually copied the post and saved it. Whenever I feel doubt, I can read it again and know that I couldnt have done anything to change what happened, and that he was in no pain, and right up to his last day, he was happy and living life to the full. Thankyou so so much Strangechilde. Xx

Bebe, I am so glad that Strangechilde has struck a chord with her post. It so makes us feel better when we can say something that eases the blame and pain so the person suffering can grieve without those gut wrenching feeling of despair. It still takes time and we are all thinking of you.