Mixed Emotions

Where do I begin?

Having been offline for two weeks my lovely Clive suprised me last night with a brand new laptop...its brilliant and so much on it that I haven't explored yet, he knew I was going stir crazy not being able to get online to chat with friends at this awful time in my life, and also to update my website.

I'll give you my bad news first....my darlings Tyler and Remy went to their new homes this weekend, I took Tyler on Friday and Remy yesterday. They have both gone to wonderful, loving homes where they will have English Setter companions, but I can't stop crying and I feel like the life is being drained from me. This sounds totally over the top but they have been in my life since they were just 8/9 weeks old and I feel like I have had my heart cut out. I am now down to 4 dogs here, Leon, Fabian, Ebony and Bradley, Ebby goes next weekend and Bradley at the end of August. I hate it here, it no longer feels like my home and it is just an empty shell, the dogs keep looking at me, I can tell they are wondering what is going on...how can I explain to them that I am parting with them because I love them so much and can't look after them myself? I feel like I am letting them all down terribly and each re-homing is becoming harder and more painful, I simply can't come to terms with it all and I just long to have them back with me, to cuddle them and tell them I love them dearly, I hope they know just how much I do and that they forgive me.

My parents and my sister and brother-in-law came for the weekend to paint the outside of the cottage and do bits and pieces ready to get it on the market, there is still so much to do but I felt that they were getting at me constantly. I need to do this and I need to do that, if only I hadn't let the dogs live in the house there wouldn't be slobber marks up the wall or chewed skirting, or holes in the garden. Also, why hadn't I done this or that? I have recently spent all my waking hours trying to secure homes for the dogs, holding down a demanding job aswell as worrying myself stupid over these lumps in my throat...I don't sleep and have trouble eating and breathing..I have driven over 500 miles during the weekend to rehome the dogs and they wonder why I haven't mowed the lawn! I have the feeling that Clive got the picture from my phone conversation yesterday as he was due to come today for the day but he arrived last night and has been so supportive of me, bless him.

My throat...the better news...I went for a scan that revealed one lump in my thyroid that is 3-4cm in diameter, and there is a smaller one in the other side, but I wasn't aware of that. My doctor got the results through within 2 days and told me I had to see a specialist as they appeared ok but needed a biopsy. I got a phone call the day after seeing my doctor to offer me an appointment at the Lincoln hospital as they could see me sooner, and I went last Wednesday. Thank goodness no-one had pre-warned me what was going to happen...I had to have a tiny camera in a tube put up my nose and fed through to my throat and downwards...I thought I was going to vomit. If that wasn't bad enough I then had to have a needle put in the lump to drain some fluid. Because it is so big I feel the need to keep swallowing, the doctor told me not to swallow when the needle was in but he was taking so long and, where he was putting pressure on the lump, I couldn't breathe either, so ended up having a panic attack, he had already been draining the lump for ages but he had to stop and then go back in again after I had calmed down.

Fortunately they were able to tell me that my throat etc all looks normal, they will have full results in 3 weeks time, which is when I go back, but early indications seem to point to it being a swelling within the thyroid...a very common complaint at my time of life apparently. I will know more when I go back and find out then if they are going to operate to remove it...I hope so as it rests on my windpipe and makes me breathless in the night, and it makes me feel nauseous at different times of day.

Work...I hate going into work these days, I feel he is taking me for granted, my mind is confused from being off my hormone tablets and I am constantly popping pain killers to try to help with my coccyx...its only a matter of time before he broaches the subject of reducing my hours and I am going to have to have it out with him, I hate altercations and feel weak and useless but hurt and angry at the same time...I just don't understand what is happening to me...I'm scared I must be having some sort of breakdown, surely its not right to be sobbing my heart out whenever I'm alone, and close to tears whenever anyone is around me but afraid to show my emotions.

The good news...thank god I met Clive...I don't think I would have survived any of this without him, it had become clear that I was going to have to rehome the dogs as I simply couldn't cope any longer, being with him has, hopefully, secured a future for me, and allowed me to at least keep one of my babies to hold close when times are tough.

I'm sorry to be whinging but I know my friends will understand exactly how I feel xx

Hang on in there Scorpio, it will get better!

Maryxx

Oh Sheree, I'm in tears reading this, I really feel for you - you seem to be going through the worst time ever, thank god Clive is there for you! I often think about you, it breaks my heart to think of everything thats happening in your life and how you are coping with it all! Sending you a huge HUG!

Oh chicken..... huge hugs for you. Wish I was closer so I could "hand deliver" some. We are all here for you, you sob and scream away. We understand exactly how you feel about parting with your dogs, and most of us would cry along with you....... or is that just me?
I'm sure things can only get better once September arrives, Sheree. Good on Clive - what a star you found there!
x0x0x0x

Thank you so much ladies, I know you will all understand how it feels to be in my shoes, and I appreciate all the support. xxx

Awww Sheree it is no surprise you are feeling the way you do.
(((Hugs))).XX

what an emotional time you are going through. The surprise would be if you were not crying!
Huge hugs to you xx

Oh Sheree, I havn't got anything constructive to say at all, I admire you doing the right thing by your babies and you are doing such a selfless loving thing for them. Thinking of you

Huge Hugs

xxx

I am so sorry you are having such an awful time of it lately, lots of hugs from here also xxx

Aw Sheree i'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down, Clive sounds absolutely wonderful, does he have a younger brother?

If there is anything I can do don't you hesitate to let me know ok, we are all here for you. x