I can't really add any more to what people have said already but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I pray things get better for you and I'm sending you big hugs ))))))))))))))))))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A little update I think because today I have actually scared myself seeing how unstable I have been, and poor Charly who really does care about me I know has born the brunt of it and I know its worried her.
I have lost the plot a couple of times over nothing much at all and thrown stuff around my bedroom and broken stuff and screamed and yelled and cried and cried.
I have been fairly cheerful between or have I, I don't know, perhaps putting on a cheerful act as I can feel tears just behind my eyes waiting to come as I smile and try to chat normally.
I know I need to go to see a doctor and get help, at the moment I can't plan anything to do that and can't think what I will say if I do. It all sounds so silly and childish and perhaps its me who is the one that needs a good kick up the backside after all.
I've really found out how good I am at putting on a happy everythings great act and laughing and joining in when underneath I am far from happy.
Perhaps Iv'e said too much on here and you will all think me a mad woman and perhaps I am, I really don't know anymore.
Sorry if I am making anyone uncomfortable, I will shut up now as i don't know its helping now getting it out anyway.
Thankyou to you all for your support.

First off Bev, you are no mad woman!! You are hurting, I haven't read all the posts just your first and your last, I got a lump in my throat reading them and the screen has gone blurry for some reason
Your sons seem selfish and tiresome to say the least, no wonder you are drained and wondering WTH!!
I wouldn't let my neighbour walk home from the hospital, let alone my mother or grandmother. Financially strapped or not, I would find a way, to get to that hospital.
I would love to kick your sons up the bum and tell them what for.
But to you I say this, stop helping them out, as hard as it may be for you, they are fully grown adults and do not give you one ounce of respect and that is like giving a child a lolly after they have been misbehaving badly, and that should be told to them and they need to realise that even if they choose not to change. I know you love them, but you have got to look after yourself first and foremost and then your granddaughter.
If you need to seek help from your doctor, then do so, don't feel foolish or childish, what you have talked about it real and if you are finding it hard for whatever reason, it is not stupid. If you don't know what to say to them write it down and hand it to your doctor to read. Your feelings, your actions and your worries. They are professionals and if they can't see that life gets difficult for people for so many reasons then you need to find one that does.
It wouldn't surprise me if the chest pain you have been having is related to your feelings, the stress in your mind is tilting over into physical symptoms, your body it trying to tell you something, if you ignore it, it will only get worse.
Family or not, you have people who care and love you, hold onto them and let go of the toxic people who will drain you until you have nothing left, you deserve much better.
So now I am sending you a massive cyber hug and from what I now of you and even if you don't feel it at the moment, you are am amazingly strong woman, sometimes admitting you need help or need to vent can be one of the hardest things to do. xxxx

The chest pain could be due to anxiety/stress, PLEASE see your GP, they are there to help and don't be ashamed to ask for help, after the birth of my first son i had PND i didn't realise it at the time, i thought i was losing the plot. I went to to see the nurse at my GPs and broke down, she was brilliant and i got the help i needed and felt so much better, please don't suffer in silence xxx

Please go to the docs and if you really dont know what to say print out what you have wrote on here and give it to the doc to read.

And then take it from there.

Bev you are not mad. You are hurt and depressed. When I popover one day next week or even the end of this week we will pop out as arranged and take the dogs for their walk later in the afternoon. You can chat, rant, cry as much as you want it may then help get things in perspective I know it has me when I have felt so low with life.

Let me know what day and I will be over. Meanwhile here's a cyber hug till I get there to give you a real hug. X

You're not mad and please like others have said get to see your gp or even a telephone appoinment to start with(if your gp does them). I often get chest pains (had breakdown earlier this year) due to stress/anxiety, it is quite frightening, but have been checked out ecg etc) and doctors say that's what it is. Hope you feel bit better today (x)

Bev so sorry I missed this, typical of me always to be the coos tail (is that an expression you use down there as well as up here? )

I agree with what everyone else has said. I saw my dear old gran suffer at the hands of my uncle, all his childhood and young adult life he wanted for nothing and could do no wrong even when it was wrong yet he married had his own family and began to ignore grans requests for help always being to busy to see her etc etc eventually one day he moved to Plymouth, or was it Portsmouth, anyway he was in the navy and moved there Gran used to write to him he never wrote back, she sent him money she never got a thanks then the letters would get returned, my grandad phoned and was told that Billy did not want anymore contact with the family and they had been asked not to give out any details, that was the end of my gran, she became more and more ill and within 2 years was dead, her last few hours were spent asking when Billy was coming Please please don't find yourself in that position Bev, you are worth so much more respect than that (as was my dear Gran) Summon up all that inner strength you have, you know that strength that saw you battle with everything you have to help Shady, that strength is still there hun, its just buried under all the crap, you have has a lot to deal with and I would guess there is some depression in there and its mixing with anxiety, I am no expert I am just observing what I see by your posts.

This can be treated by your doc, honest hun it's a REAL illness, once you get help you will be on a more even keel and that will make the other stuff easier to deal with one step at a time. I like others would be surprised if your chest pains aren't related to the stress and anxiety (but of course so good that you got to a hospital and please do the same if it happens again as we aren't always 100% right on Dogsey )
I can't believe you had to walk home in your slippers Bev that is terrible, if that happens again don't be afraid to ask for help, patient transfer etc should be available but I am guessing you didn't want to be a burden to people and you were probably thinking someone else might be more deserving...NO you are deserving Bev, you are not a burden and you are entitled to help if it is available and if its not get posting on here!!!
Your sons may be too selfish to appreciate you but Charlie, the dogs and the whole of Dogsey can't be wrong!!! It's your sons who are.
Print off this thread or write down how you feel even just bullet points mention everything, the happy in between times, the fear the happiness is a front, the blow outs, the crying, the feeling alone and too a degree feeling what's the point, the pains in the chest, any other physical things bad stomachs maybe? Indigestion?, sore throats?, palpitations?, shortness of breath? Get all that down on paper and get to your doc. They can and will help and you deserve that help, you deserve it so much.

Huge hugs xxx

So sorry I missed all this Bev, been a bit pre-occupied with things myself so not been able to get on here, but I am so saddened to read how you are feeling.

As the others have said, you really need to get yourself off to the GP, it will be the first step, albeit a huge one, to getting yourself back to the right frame of mind, it's something only you can do, nobody can explain to the GP how you are really feeling, you need to have a heart to heart with a professional.

I wish I were nearer, thank goodness you have Lynn coming over, that will be a great help to be able to speak with a good friend.

Huge (((hugs))) to you Bev xxx

Bev, you are not mad... I have done the same and worse... (not sure if thats comforting though! )
Go to the GP and take what he has to offer, maybe you need some counselling, could you do that? Your family have to know how you feel my love and if you were my Mum, I would be with you every step of the way... I am just sorry you have had to come to breaking point.
Take care, thinking of you xxx