Why Are People So Mean? (sorry, quite long)

I'm quite upset this morning, Clive told me that his brother was intimating that I'm sponging off him, although he didn't come right out and say it. I asked Clive if he stuck up for me and he said it was a bit awkward because he didn't actually say anything, just hinted.

Apparently, because I've given up work and will be moving over there next week, they (his brother and wife), are hinting that its weird that I can be driving all over the country to deliver my dogs to their new homes whilst I'm not earning, and how am I managing to live on fresh air!

The thing is, I left work last month and have had my months wages to get me around, I'm stony broke again now but I haven't had a bean off Clive, and nor will I take anything from him. It will be different once I've moved there permanently as I will be working for him.

Clive said that he had told them about all the work I have done setting his new website up and that I have saved him thousands of pounds already, (he's had quotes of between 2k & 3k to set it up with ecommerce), and that I have been learning the ropes when I have been over there.

I'm signed off sick at the moment as I have the nausea and breathing problems because of the tumour, so I'm not allowed to earn a wage anyway, if I can help Clive out with light duties, answering his phone etc then why can't they just accept that. I don't get anything from the government so its not like I'm sponging off anyone as far as I can see it.

I don't want Clive to fall out with his family over this, but neither do I want them to think I'm skiving off work and taking him for his hard earned money, our agreement was that he would provide for me and one dog in return for me working for him. If the work picks up, as we hope it will, then he will also give me a wage too, either way I will be better off than I am at the moment.

I'm not an argumentative type of person but I can just see me saying something, I was only over there at the weekend and they were all sweetness and light to my face, grrr, it really does bug me when they jump to conclusions.

I've now got my op date of 16th October..been put back as I have to have yet another tooth out next week and they can't do that for 6 weeks after the op, so I've had to be booked in beforehand as the pain is too great to wait all that time. Then I also have to have the ovarian cyst re-scanned and they apparently can't do that if my neck wound is still not healed!

My plan is to work for Clive up to the time that I go in for my op, and then I will work from home as soon as I feel well enough, until I am fit to return to the unit. Obviously Clive knows all this, as do my family, but we haven't discussed it with his family as he feels it isn't any of their business.

How do you guys think I should play this?

Not a pleasant thing to have happen to you, honey, especially considering your current health.

Not sure why Clive didn't immediately jump to your defence, but I wasn't there so it's not really fair of me to comment on the rights or wrongs of that.

As for how you play it now, that all depends on how you feel when you next see these people. By that time you may have calmed down and feel it's not worth raising it again, or you may still be quite angry, in which case - in my opinion - you're better off saying something.

Clearning the air is always best, I think, but you really need to decide at the time, because how you feel is paramount.

*Hugs* honey x0x0x

Try not to get too upset about it. Remember that as yet, his brother doesn't really know you and it is natural to be suspiscious/protective on behalf of a family member.

My Mum was very scathing of my OH when we got together - he wasn't working at the time and had 2 children (who live with their Mum). My Mum was convinced he was going to move in with me and him and his children were going to live off me.

It took some time for her to come round, but now my OH is the favourite of her children-in-law. I'm sure once they get to know you and know what you're like, the same will happen to you.

In the meantime, be your usual self but do try to understand their point of view too

I think I would keep this as low key as possible, you are going through enough at the moment without the added stress of it becoming an issue. Speak to Clive to see if it is just them just looking out for him with the best intentions. If it is then maybe Clive can put their mind at ease and share a bit more info with them (if you want of course).
If it is them being nasty, then I don't think you can do much to change their minds without getting worked up, you don't need any further upset in your life.
Families are so difficult at times but you have nothing to hide, you have done nothing wrong and I am sure they will see this in time. xxxx

Sorry to hear this, Sheree, I think for now you should just ignore it, by saying something, you may invariably start something that may escalate between Clive and his family..

And to be honest, I think Clive was wrong to tell you about it... he should have dealt with it personally , spoke to his brother and told him to mind his own business.

My feeling would be, speak to Clive, ask him to deal with his family, and for your part, just make it your business to prove them wrong...

Actions speak louder then words, try and let it go, you are starting on a new relationship, the last thing you need in its beginning it to have conflict with his family.

Tell Clive how hurt you are by the comments, reminding him to remind them, what you have already given up for him.

I'd ignore it, I had something similar with my OH's daughter only she was probably a lot less polite about it. My OH tried to justify the situation to her and tbh that annoyed me even more. The simple fact is they don't know the facts of the situation and making judgements without the facts is nonsense. Just let it be, I'm sure once they know you they will change their opinion and if they don't well that's their loss isn't it.
In our case, although my husband may appear to financially support me, I'm the one with all the assets and funnily enough my kids weren't even slightly suspicious of his motives. It's a funny old world. If you two are happy with the arrangement let everyone else go swivel, you simply can't please everyone so just please yourselves.

Sheree hun, it's hard to say without knowing all the ins and outs but this could be cause by lots of things.

People are often less convinced about people who have met over the internet. Been there done that, as met my OH on icq nearly 9 years ago. So they may be suspicious about your intentions just because they are protective of him. Especially because you are moving in together relatively quickly.
Please don't think I'm having a pop with any of this btw. My OH proposed to me after 5 months and we moved in after 9!

It could also be jealousy?

It could also be their perceptions of you. This single woman living with 13 dogs. I mean some non-doggy people would think you are mad and wonder how you afford to do that. (We understand as we know your doggies come first )

Who knows what is going on in their heads. I personally wouldn't take any notice, esp as you are not well. Time will show them their suspicions are wrong.... and at the end of the day it's not thier business.

*big hugs*

Hun....I'd ignore them (for a while anyway) when I met patrick it was in the Novemeber, we decided that being old in the tooth we would get married 8th March.........OH! BOY!!!!!! Patricks Step-daughters had it round the neighbourhood, that I was a GOLD_DIGGER and I was only after his house (which can I say was a dump when I moved in), but never-the-less it was only going to last 2 years then I would be off with half of the monies off the house.


6 years later......house decorated, his step-daughters, get on with me fine,besssie mates infact.....making them my step-step daughters.

Hang on they will get to know you in time.

Clive should just let them know that HE is happy.

I know this is his brother Sheree, but why oh why can't people keep their noses out of other's people's business! If this was me, I'm afraid, I'd have to bring it into the conversation next time I was round there, not make a point of it, but kind of talk about my current situation, just throw in the odd comments, so that they are then fully aware of just how much you have contributed to Clive's business etc. etc. that should sort them, they can take it outta that! Lol!

Anyway, you have your own house, you have assets, it's not as if you're somebody he's got to support who has nothing is it, so what's their problem?

You really don't need to be feeling like this with all that's currently going on with you, and I would have thought your Clive would have stopped them dead in their tracks and stuck up for you when the questions first arose. I know my Dave had to do this with his parents everytime he went round there, coz they were always slating me about something, but that was probably because I wasn't this quiet little "yes/no" girl they wanted, I was more the happy go lucky fiery beast!!! In the end, he told them he'd had enough of their snidey remarks about his wife, and he divorced them and we've never looked back, even with their grovelling, he stuck up for me every time and I admire him for that coz I was a bit outrageous in those days! Lol!

You must do whatever feels right for you without causing you any undue stress and worry which you obviously don't need right now, and good luck with all of that.xxxxx
If he's very thick with his brother and sil, then pull your Clive to one side and have a few words, ask him outright what has actually been said, and ask him if he did the right think and explained all to them too, and I'm sure you'll find he did, I hope so anyway. Some people get right up my nose sticking their oar in in other's people's business, it's one of my pet hates, can yer tell!!! All the very, very best with your health problems.xxxx

Aww Sheree, my advice would be to just ignore it, I know easier said than done but when people don't know the full picture they will jump to conclusions and the human mind always seems to think the worst, he is just being protective over Clive it seems. As long as you and Clive are happy then everyone else will fall into place in time. Just try and relax and not worry, it's just one of those things and will right itself when they get to knwo you better. Nothing like kicking someone when they are down. x