Sleeping

If I go to sleep on a plank tonight, Will I wake up board stiff in the morning ?

A crab went to a dance and pulled a muscle

Does anyone else think there's something really wrong with him?

Lacey I have known there is for years. There is no help available

He could always think of himself as a pair of curtains and pull himself together.

Brenda

You must be exhausted as you keep running through my mind

For Brenda as she is so impressed with my little gags

A 2 seater light aircraft crashed into a cemetary. So far they have recovered over 100 bodies

What is the last thing that goes through a flies mind when it hits a car windowscreen?

Answer

Its bum


2 flies in a room, which is the female?
answer

The one on the phone



Why is the sky so high?

answer

So birds don't bump their heads

A whale watched a submarine fire a torpedo and thought it had given birth

We nearly had an aircraft land on our roof tonight. Sue had left the landing light on

Dumb blonde

Last year, I replaced, like, all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I, like, got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. And I still hadn't, like, paid for them. OMG! Hellloooo,............ Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm, like, automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would, like, pay for themselves in a year. Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're, like, paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.




Once upon a time in an Indian village, there lived three squaws. Two squaws had young sons who were very overweight.

The first squaw, whose son weighed 150 pounds, always placed her son on a bear hide near a pine grove.

The second squaw, whose son also weighed 150 pounds, put her son on a moose hide in the shade of a large oak tree.

But the third squaw, who was expecting the birth of her first son, always rested on a hippopotamus hide beside a bubbling brook. Her weight? 300 pounds!

To this day, mathematicians give credit to these women and their children for proving the Pythagorean Theorem, because you see:

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.


7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.


1 to move it to the Lighting section.


2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section


7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs


5 to flame the spell checkers


3 to correct spelling/grammar flames


6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid


2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"


15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"
is perfectly correct


19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum


11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum


36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty


7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs


4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected
URL's


3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group


13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"


5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy


4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"


13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs"


18 who trip over each other in their rush to say "repost!"


1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,"
says the man.

"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old
lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

" That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is
always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, ....................


........

"Ah... My second wish was for a tall bird with a big A*** and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."



One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer,
he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit and
pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the
flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"



One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu.

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.......

....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
And so do I.



2 parrots sitting on a perch one says to the other "can you smell fish??"



I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy
dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted him out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Brenda you started me off now