PTSD - I think I'm going mad

And rationally I know it was naff all in the scheme of things compared to what others have to cope with - but I cannot get a grip and it's driving me completely insane not being able to get a handle on things!

Basically it all hangs back to Erin being born - the hospital behaved utterly appallingly, bullied me, yelled at me, denied me pain relief, shunted me around ward after ward after ward and then ignored everything I'd said, leaving me with what looks like long term or permanent pain - and referred me to social services as a child protection risk (this one was dismissed as any cause for concern within 10 minutes of actually TALKING to me - but of course I'm now still terrified over it all) because I was trying to prevent them causing the damage they did (wanted the safe pain-free gap from my SPD recording and tried to be kept to when they numbed me up basically - they marked me down as a resistant patient for this - and ignored it completely)... and then the time on NICU, and in the most inadequate, appallingly inappropriate transitional care system going - basically plonked in the middle of a maternity ward with a piece of paper a day with how much feed to get down her nasal tube.

Hospital washed their hands of us on discharge - according to their own protocols we should have been followed up by the NICU liason staff (we were under their threshold for birthweight as the criteria warranting follow up) - but we got a phonecall saying "we won't be following you up even though we should - any problems go to A+E."

I WAS doing OK - till I had to go for a physio follow up appointment a few weeks ago, and they've moved half of physio outpatients... to the room next to the door to NICU. Set me off completely - the walk along the corridor, the lift to take the shortcut between the unit and the ward I was on, seeing parents swiping to go into the unit, and then having to sit for the physio appointment in the waiting area watching people go in and out - and I've been an utter wreck ever since - flashbacks and nightmares galore, and I just cannot get a handle on it at all - distraction, positive thinking, going with it - nothing at all works... tried getting across to the doctor how I feel - they've just chalked it down as "mild anxiety - go for a walk sweetie" and left me to it. Managed to get some counselling via a charity - but gawd - I'm going utterly insane... the dogs are about the only thing keeping me from going bonkers - and I'm in such pain from what they've done with my hip - I can't walk them far anyway.

Guess I'm quite possibly just venting - but it's driving me nuts - I know I've got nowt really to be upset about - she came at a decent weight and gestation, the only ill effect she seems to have is a hernia - it's just everything to do with how the hospital treated me, and the constant fear of social services again as well - feels like they've utterly destroyed me as a person.

Someone knock some flipping sense into me and kick my grip getting ability back into operation!

dizzi, it might be worth speaking to your health visitor about how you feel and/or your local child and family services. Even if its just something to vent at it can be useful.

Did you put your complaint in writing to the hospital ? If not you should - write it down that if nothing else is a good therapy aswell..

Sleep deprivation aswell as all of what you have been through and then looking after a little baby does not make the best way to help stress levels.

Have you got out and about and met up with other mums etc to share war stories? that can help too..

Definetly think you should speak to your health visitor etc perhaps for a referral to counselling etc..

Sorry I cant offer any help but just wanted to send my support
how horrible for you
I dont think anyone can knock sense into you cos you are the one wronged

hope someone knows the right people to contact, you do need help

Oh my god you poor thing!!!

That sounds utterly horrendous the way they treated you. I can only imagine how distressing it was for you.

Child birth is extremely emotional and every expectant mother should be treated with kit gloves in my opinion especially first time mothers, not sure if you are one, and then for a baby in the NICU on top of that!

The time after your baby is born is extremely emotional too. You are still full of hormones and lacking sleep and this can all lead very easily to PND.

I think how you are feeling should not be ignored nor should you blame yourself for not being able to "get a handle on it" why the hell should you have to. The way you are feeling is as a direct result of how you were treated, you did not imagine those things happening to you and to say that you were bullied and yelled at while in labour well there are no words!!

I would be screaming about this abuse from the rooftops if it were me. Local radio, newspapers, MPs, Councillors whoever I could contact.

There is help out there as I am not in the UK though I am not really aware of the organisations you have there but there must be some. I would nearly be thinking of going to citizens advice, I would want to sue. They should not be allowed to treat anyone like that.

I hope you feel better soon sweetheart xx

Hope you're feeling ok this morning xx

Dizzi love you are not going mad. You were treated atrociously before and during Erin's birth and then when she was in NICU - and since then, and you have every right to feel so aggrieved.

If you want to vent, scream, let off steam - just PM me - my shoulders are here for you to cry on when necessary.

(((huggles))) xxx