Memories.

I'm not sure I want mine back any more, I've been slowly trying to get some back, have a couple that have come back, although most I have to ask someone if it really happened, to be sure, some of them have made me think, some really make me wonder how much I know myself, and some that have left me confused, I've been talking to my brother about it all, he thinks that I should talk to some professional person about it all, but then I see other people who have had problems in their past, went for help, and now am not allowed to forget it, I don't want to mess up my future as well as having a messed up past.

Anyway the other day I was laying in bed but awake and my mind was floating, as it does when suddenly the image of a man beating up a woman come into my head, it wasn't very clear, I've got a idea who it might of been, but I'm not sure, tbh I'm not even sure if it was a memory, its so fuzzy, but as soon as it come into my head I was in tears, and couldn't stop, I don't really know who to talk to, I can't ask the woman who I think it is, for one reason we don't really talk anymore, and I don't want to drag her past up anyway, espcailly as I'm not sure its really her, or if I really saw it happen or not, its hard to explain, I don't really understand it at all, but since I've had this image in my mind its kind of put me on a downer, normally with most things I bounce back from them, after working it out I'm back to being myself, its just another thing that happened to the little girl I once was, but this is different, I find myself not knowing what to do, or knowing who would understand, and whether anything could help, I've found myself wanting to just go out and get off my face on booze, but I can't because I know that how I'm feeling now I wont be able to stop until I've gone into the blackout moments, where I have no control over myself, and I don't think that would help, I would talk to a friend who may understand, but if I went there the answer would probally be drugs, and I don't want to go there either.

I am wondering though whether I feel worse because recently I have been talking to a cousin again, I knew her when I was little, but then when I got to about ten a family fall out happened, and we haven't spoke since, and she doesn't know that I have blacked out a lot, and she talks about different things, and expects me to know and remember, and seems to be getting frustrated that I don't know what she is talking about, so its not too fun there, and whether that is having some affect I'm not really sure yet, but thats life, well its my life anyways.

Im sorry. i dont know your background to your memory loss? is it neurological? alcohol? or head injury?

Sometimes though, whichever one it was, its sometimes better to not look back but keep looking forward, although its effect on you may be worth discussing with a professional....

The memory thing, well I don't really know what to call it or label it, its just that a lot of the crap from my past seems to have been removed, right up to the day after I took a OD, since then its fine, but before that there is a lot that has disapeared.

is it just crap or some good memories too that have gone?

if its just crap it may be repressed trauma if its both it could be neurological damage due to the overdose....in which case you want to see a dr...

As far as I know just the crap stuff, when the good things are talked about, unless its when I'm really young, but still people expect me to know when they are 9 years older , I know, but then there is things that people ask me about, some things that they think is funny, but only because it didn't happen to them , that I don't know, one of these types of memories I got recently, when my mum threw the hammer at my dads car as he drove off, some people find that funny, doubt that they would of if they were eight and in the front garden at the time it happened.

I think sometimes we make too much of the past tbh. On the rare occasions I get together with my brothers and sister we all have a different slant on things that happened when we were growing up ( and it was nothing bad).

You are whoever you choose to be, don't let things done to you define you, don't be a victim, grab life by the balls and make it what you want it to be. We can't all be millionaires or pop stars but we can all be happy.

You should talk this over with a counsellor if it`s bothering you.
One thing though - the memories you have are particular to you - they are not an objective record of events, they are your interpretation of them. For instance - I might see two dogs playing, someone else might see it as a scrap.
The actions don`t change, the way it is viewed is different. So maybe take these resurfacing images as something you are concerned about in the present, and deal with them?

I don't know the ins and outs of it all Chaz, but if you are feeling like you are going to turn to something destructive to get away from the feelings, I can't express enough that you should seriously think about talking to a professional about it.

As Trouble said the past memories don't define us, but they can impact on how we go about doing things today, if you try to brush it under the carpet, it will pop back up time and time again.

It is not as if these memories aren't disturbing you and making you think of ways to escape them (drugs and alcohol). In that case they are effecting the here and now, memories can torture you if you let them and getting proper help is a good way of helping you be able to deal with these emotions that these memories bring.

You are not being a victim by seeking help, you are admitting that they are affecting you and you aren't sure where they fit into your mind. Professionals can actually give you helpful tools to deal with these, helping you move forward in life and learning more about yourself.

Your doctor would be the best place to start to get referred to someone.

My suggestion would be to ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor.....

Hugs honey xx

Oh my heart goes out to you. Like others have said you HAVE to talk about this to someone.

I have problems with my childhood memories, not to the extent you are suffering, but I do know how it plays on your mind wondering if your memories are real or imagination.

Drink and drugs are NOT the answer, going to the dark place is not an option (believe me I have been there!) so you have to fight for you, find that bit of you that wants to break free and survive and nuture it by talking, to anyone.

(((hugs)))