I've split up with my husband - what do I do now?

I'll try not to make this all doom & gloom, but I'm feeling a bit low today.

On Tuesday we decided to call it a day. We've been talking about it for a few weeks, but the idea of separating has come up a few times.

There seem to be a million and one reasons why, but we both feel that long term things weren't going to be the way we both wanted. I don't deny that my feelings about it not working are much stronger than Adam's. He's quite an emotional person, I'm more matter of fact. I move on and deal with it but he tends to keep thinking about it and talking about it. I'm not suggesting I'm over our marriage after a few days, but there is obviously a lot of stuff we need to sort out and I'm trying to focus on that. At the end of the day the decision to split has been made so as far as I'm concerned there is no point dwelling on it.

We rent a house together. I have moved into the spare room. I'm sorry to say that I actually really enjoy sleeping in a bed on my own. I only work part time and cannot afford a place on my own. I also don't know anyone who would want to house share, but I will start asking around. If things get nasty I don't have any choice but to move back to my mum's. I don't really want to do that because I don't want to feel I have to explain where I am and who I'm with again. My relationship with my parents is such that I just feel they should know what I'm up to, but I'm sure they won't always like what they hear! If it came to it though, I could go back there short term.

Anyway, my job pays quite well for what it is and it would be more benficial to me to get another job alongside just to boost my earnings a little rather than work full time which would cause problems with the dogs. So I'm keeping an eye out for other work. Adam would be able to afford to rent a smaller place alone if he needed to but in the meantime we are both going to stay put and just see what happens.

This has all been strangely amicable. We have always been great friends and can talk about anything it I know it's very idealistic but it would be great if we could keep some kind of friendship. My big concern is that even if we can stay living this way for a while what happens when I meet someone else? If it was him I really think I would be happy for him, but I don't think he'd cope well at all if I got there first. If I was living with a different housemate I wouldn't have to worry, but I also don't want to have to hold back just because I'm living with my ex. I do respect him and don't want to hurt him but I guess I can't have it both ways. Please don't take that to mean that after 5 days of separation I want to find someone, I don't. I just don't think it's reasonable to expect him to be OK with it when it happens, but what's the right thing to do there? Do I hope I can find someone else to live with before it comes to that or should I be totally respectful of Adam or do I just get on with my life and let him deal with it however he needs to? I would never want to hurt him, but he's a delicate flower!

Then there's money. His income supports us. He probably takes home twice as much as me, soon to be more again. He keeps saying he's happy to support me still but I think that's asking for trouble. I think we should make ourselves financially independant of each other asap. We have a debt management plan together and given my lesser income I have a feeling that I will have to go down the bankruptcy route. That doesn't really worry me, but I hate the idea of going through all the figures and separating everything. I don't think it's right that I allow him to support me. It makes me vulnerable and if he decides to take that away then I literally have nothing.

Over and above all that is the dogs. If we both had to move out of this house and I had to go back to my parents they would let me keep the dogs there but I know it would be hard for them. It's a bit like having children! It would take a really terrible situation for me to rehome them but it has crossed my mind that in the future it may not be an option and I really hope I never get to that point. My mum keeps telling me to meet someone with money and land! I'm trying not to worry about that because I don't think we'd let it get that far, but we just don't know what lies ahead.

As usual I think money is the biggest concern. Max cut his paw badly yesterday and needed stitches. We're claiming from the insurance but I don't have a spare penny and dread to think what we'd do if anything worse happened. I really don't want to rely on Adam and his suggestion today is that perhaps I pay 1/3 of the rent as I earn less and am more likely to confine myself to my room while he uses more of the house. I don't mind that idea so much and it will give me a chance to get on my feet whilst I can find a 2nd job.

I'm worried that Adam is going to make this hard even though it's him who wants us to be able to live together. I just hope he meets someone before I do so in the hope that when I do find someone he won't take it so badly. I know that living together won't work if he can't cope with it.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I think that one or both of us moving out would be the easy way to make a proper break but that's really not an option yet. I don't have many friends, but there is one who lives alone who I know was looking to move house so I've asked her if maybe she'd be interested in being a house mate. She's older than me but that's a good thing. It will be hard for me to find a landlord as flexible as ours, particularly with the dogs.

Sorry for waffling on, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Could you have a chat to a Counsellor about it? Someone unbiased?
This is a hard time for you, and you need support.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
x

My heart goes out to you it really does, having being in a similar situation. although this house is owned.

ATM for me a chat to a solicitor seems to have bucked a certain persons ideas up, but like you I was/am more willing to move on. Its difficult with dogs etc and money I know.

I think C&D has a good idea there, you need support with such a difficult decision and 2 jobs maybe abit much, can you not get more hours with your existing job

I'm sorry that you're having a such tough time. You sound like you have really thought this through and know what you want. The only advice I would give is:

1) Don't rush into anything
2) Get some proper legal advice

Good luck though whatever you decide to do. xx

So sorry to hear you are feeling down, i do sypmathise with you, my marriage is on the verge of collapse but i'm too frightened to do anything about it. I know in my heart its finished (long story) we've been together for 22 years and have two kids 8 and 12 - thats the worst thing, i worry about them.

Maybe have a chat with someone about how you are feeling, hope all goes well with you x

The CAB will tell you any benefits you are entitled too.

For example working tax credit [you can use the online calculator to work that out]

Or housing benefit.

Hope all goes well.

Thanks for all your replies, they're very helpful.

Over the weekend we have decided that Adam will move out. I'm just waiting for a definite answer from the lady I would like to move in.

We're getting on really well and don't want to go down the legal route just yet, there's no need for now and neither of us have the money so we'll do that somwhere down the road.

I will go to CAB about benefits. I only need to work another 7-10 hours a week to be able to get by. I do get the odd bit of overtime where I work now but only as holiday cover. They can't increase my hours.

I've found a couple of people who aren't linked to Adam to talk to which has helped a lot. I feel bad putting our problems on the people who are friends to both of us.

We're very lucky not to have children. I'm afraid I'm quite a selfish person and do not see the point in flogging a dead horse just because some other people think it's the right thing to do. I'm only 28 and have (hopefully) a lot of life left to be feeling unhappy. We have been married for almost 5 years but it all happened quite fast and with hindsight wasn't sensible, but it was what we wanted at the time.

I`m glad it`s getting sorted. However - you do need to see a solicitor. As long as you are married you are also liable for his debts etc. In addition joint property is precisely that. My ex trashed my whole house while we were separated and the police refused to act because it could be argued that it was `his` property. Because it is amicable now doesn`t mean it always will be, so get any agreement on paper please.

Definitely see a solicitor, no matter how amicable things are. You may regret it if you don't........

Hmm see I don't think it's always necessary to involve a solicitor and they cause just as many issues as they resolve. If the split is amicable I would work hard to keep it that way, by all means get your agreement down on paper and sign it and both have a copy to refer to. I managed to divorce my OH after 27 years and keep everything on track, handled the divorce ourselves and the Judge was a bit shocked at how reasonable we both were about our assets etc. We had grown children so that wasn't an issue although they were still living at home with me. We went for a clean break so as to avoid any financial issues arising after the divorce. I would however avoid any new relationship until the divorce is final as what starts out amicable can sometimes be a tad fragile. You can handle the divorce yourself with an online company and it's not very expensive at all especially if you split the cost and worth getting out of the way if you're adamant that's the way you want to go. I can't remember who I used but I could check if you like, they supply all the paperwork and you just have to submit it to the courts which is a bit like going to the post office, it's really easy(shockingly so really)