So you think you want to own a Stafford?

If by some quirk of fate the men in white coats do not get you first and you decide to get a Stafford here are a few ideas as to what to expect:-

• To prepare for the Stafford, go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the contents of your purse/ wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself. Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.

• Before you finally get a Stafford, find a couple who already have one and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

• To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. Reset the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking up, slap yourself in the face with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years, try to look cheerful.

• Can you stand the mess that dogs make? To find out first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean walls. Now, how does that look?

• Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more. Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.

• Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats. Go to the hairdressers and obtain a week’s floor sweepings. Distribute liberally on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

• Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring friends and tell them to come round to see you instead.

• Practice sitting on not more that 1/8th of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a hot cup on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a packet of crisps/ biscuits silently whilst keeping the packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkles crumbly residue down back of sofa.

• Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeeper’s shin pads.

•Now for a final tip start practicing even trying to see your computer screen :smt024 while balancing 40 odd lb's of Stafford on you lap. IMPOSSIBLE.....Nah you just need to start practising when they are tiny :smt115 Now using the keyboard is an artform.

• Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say…Always repeat everything you say.....Always.....Get the picture :smt023

The joys of Stafford owning obviously outweigh the cons, that would have to otherwise more of us would end up in the corner rocking. :smt102

Karen

Karen if u can get to rattle the lead then u r lucky

I've only got to go tot he cupboard door and mine start. Jaspers runs round making those heavy snorting kinda noises and Tam runs round like a puppy, bum in air jumping up and pawing at ur clothes. Fortunately I have taught them to sit before I put their leads on.

Very true mind

Good one, but let me tell you a little secret: owning a labrador isn't that much better

J

I expect all breeds are just as funny

:smt003

you couldnt get closer to the truth if you tried kazz but thats what makes owning a staff sooooo much fun


Emma
xxxxx

ROFLMAO

Although owning a Boxer is the same only then you have to balance a 65lb dog on your lap whilst on Dogweb.

@ Roxy

:smt081

lol, all this is soo true, especially the lead bit.when i go to get the leads off the top of the fridge all four of mine turn into howling banshees, and the staffs rip the labs haltis off, and refuse to have their harnesses on etc.By the time we all get out im soo worn out!
They are like little steam engines when they are ouit walking and everyone comments and says how cute they are and ignores the labs, its a shame, but i wouldn't be withouit them for anything!!