Rest peacefully, dear Harvey. I have given each of mine a kiss on the snoot with your name on it.

Oh bless you, what a lovely thing to do

He is still with you Kenny ... In your heart he is with you for ever, as Hal is in mine.

Very true and it's selfish of me I know, I can't help it, I just want to feel his wet nose on my cheek, smell his smell, hold him, hear his paws clattering on the kitchen floor and taking him for long walks across the farmland.

He always liked his routeen, he was a stickler for it. His dinner was always at 4pm, always and if I didn't give it to him every time bang on 4pm he would come pestering for it.

He has a, had a incredible body clock. Then at 4.15 he wanted his 2nd walk of the day, no matter what I was doing, it ha to be dropped for a Harvey walk.

I miss doing that for him, it gave me a routeen which I needed, still do.

While I think about this...

Azz

In keeping with the fact that this section of the forum is a serious one and my thread is no longer really about Dog Health in a strict sense and more about my dealing with Harveys loss, would you prefer if I close this thread now and open a new one in a more appropriate section?

I don't mind if you do, obviously want to keep this fantastic forum tidy.

All of the lovely people who are kind enough to post and offer support can still do so in the new thread so please don't be afraid to say yes, you won't upset me.

Just let me know Azzz.

I feel so alone as I have never been away from my boy for long ever since he came into my life apart from the two nights he spent at the vets.

Even when he was well, when I went shopping or had to go out I missed him and as I drove back home I always used to say "don't worry little man, I'm on my way home now" in some hope he would know.

As I open the door he would be there, tail wagging like mad, when he wagged his bum would wag too, he always had a toy or normally his bone in his mouth which he would always present to me. He would bring it to me and drop it at my feet as if to say, here you are dad, look what I have for you.

He would be growling with pleasure, it was a happy growl, it was how he vocalised, a completely different growl to that he made when he saw a strange dog. He has always done it, he would then be circling around my feet, tail wagging like made, licking my legs waiting for his fuss.

He never allowed me to do anything first, could not bring the shopping in or put the kettle on, nope I had to fuss him first which of course I loved doing. He was such an affectionate soul.

This is my second night without hime since he was PTS and it feels so over bearing, oppressive without him, win out knowing he is in his bed downstairs.

I had a ritual of sorts that we did every night without fail, never missed a night of doing it.

When I used to come to bed, id say "bedtime" and he would jump out of his bed all happy and tail wagging and before I came upstairs he would go outside to do his toilet, he would would then literally run back in (obviously he knew and loved his routine) and want big fuss. Lots of kisses and hugs and he would take himself off to his bed.

I suffer from insomnia, part of my health condition, I have to take quite strong sleeping pills to get to sleep so I always used to read for an hour or maybe watch a bit of TV in bed while I waited for the pills to start kicking in.

When I felt he time was right to turn he light off I'd always pop downstairs to say goodnight and to check on him.

He always knew this was coming and we had more tail wagging, more pleasure growling and kisses and then after that I'd come back to bed to sleep.

In he whole of his life we never missed a night of doing this, 9 years same thing every night.

Apart from when his illness kicked in and I still carried it on although his tail wagging and happy growling stopped.

Of course in the last few weeks I have slept downstairs with him more often than not, and in the last week when he was seizing every night I didn't sleep, I was just with my precious lad 24/7 stroking him and willing with all I had to get better.

I could not leave his side, at no time did I want him to feel alone or that I had deserted him.

I feel incredibly guilty that I had to leave him at the vets overnight on the two nights that I did when he was at his most ill.

The two nights he needed me most and I was not there. I know he was in he best place being at the vets but in the end it didn't make any difference, he never got any better so why the hell did I put him through the distress of separation?

I wish I had not done that, I bitterly regret doing that.

I also deeply deeply wish that I had let him go at home and not in a strange sterile vets place. Some where he didn't know, smelt strange and was not his home.

But he the other side of me, the disturbingly selfish part is glad in a worring way as at he end he fought the injection and struggled so hard and I'm 100% convinced his howl at he end was him screaming "Nooooooo". The horrible, wretched selfish side of me could not stand having hat memory every time I look at his bed.

I'm finding it so hard to even stay in the house right now, every nerve is craving for me to get out, run go anywhere but here and if that terrible horrible way he went was here I genuinely could not have stepped back in this house again.

Maybe I'm wrong to feel like this, I don't know but I can only say how I really feel.

I'm normally pretty messed up in the head anyway and Harvey kept me sane enough to enjoy and just revel in his company, his sheer exuberance and joy of life but that's gone now and I just feel dead.

I want to be with him.

He was too young, only 9, which is far too young. I knew of course he would go someday but I hoped it would be when he was 12 maybe 13 and that he would go peacefully and with dignity at a time of his own choosing.

As some have said, some animals know when they have had enough and are able to tell there human companions but Harvey was not ready, he was fighting all the way.

If all of this had happened to someone else I would describe it as tragic and at no time did he show any signs of giving in.

That's why he did not look at peace to me. Even as he was laid out at the crematorium today (they were brilliant btw) he looked wrong.

He still looked as if he was fighting, no acceptance, no peace.

He died by my hand, not when he chose but when I chose and he was not ready. He died in place he didn't know, confused, scared and he trusted his life to me, they all trust us and I arrogantly did that to him because by my human values I thought I knew what was best.

There was no dignity in how he went and he deserved so much better.

Kenny, of course you feel like this, it is so raw and intense at the moment. Remember I said that my Nico died of a stroke? Well I blamed myself for that. She had already been diagnosed with an enlarged heart and was on medication for it and she was doing great. Then one day I put her in the boot of my estate car to take her to the vets to have her claws clipped. When I got there and opened the boot something was seriously wrong, I picked her up and flew into the vets and with a nurse straight into a consulting room. The vet came in straight away and after me saying I'd only come to have her claws clipped I had to leave so they could do their tests. Back at home I paced and paced till getting the phone call about the massive stroke. Now here is where I blamed myself, I thought if I'd put her in the passenger back of the car instead of the boot she might not have had the stroke cos the back is more comfortable. She must have bounced around a bit in the boot, there are so many speed bumps around my way, mini roundabouts etc, I was sure it wouldn't have happened if she'd be in the back. I tore myself up thinking of this. So many what ifs. Then it didn't help with my husband's ex wife saying Nico could have been given drugs to keep her alive, many dogs survive strokes etc. I could tell you a thing or two about how she's treated her dogs but that's another story! Say for example nico, at my insistence wasn't put to sleep, keep alive with drugs, she'd have been a like a zombie. What I'm trying to say to you is this is how you will feel for a while, then that guilt and hurt does start to lift. You will no longer wake in the morning and for a split second everything's ok till it hits you like hammer and you'll no longer feel physically sick! I think that when I realised there was nothing I could have done differently for Nico then I could start to grieve in a different way one that didn't tear me up with guilt. In an ideal world all our pets will live into old age but sadly this isn't an ideal world. Please try and think differently and not blame yourself.

Kenny its a natural feeling we have all felt the same not knowing where the strength comes from to get through the whole process and come out the other side.
It is the price we pay for love having to let someone we love go or leave them, the difference with animals is we have to make that final decision as with humans the decision is made for us. Although saying that a supportive vet helps you see you have no other choice you did not get that help.
I am wondering if you could ring the practice and see if you could arrange to go and speak to the supportive vet he may help you realise that he would of done the same and that the noise Harvey made is in some animals is normal as Gnasher has said. If he can't see you in his surgery maybe he would arrange time to chat on the phone and help you, also you can make the complaint about the vet who gave you no support when you so desperately needed it.

Dear Kenny, so sad that you would not accept my offer of some help as your vet bills must be enormous. It must be a worry to you how you are going to pay for it all. I wish you would stop blaming yourself for his passing. It was the greatest act of love you could do for the darling lad. As I said before he will always be with you in your heart and in spirit. May you soon find some peace within yourself to accept that you did the right thing. God bless.