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Location: Near Bath UK
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 221
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I think its a matter of semantics. Its perfectly possible that men get depression when a child is born as their life changes whether that should be given the same name is debatable.
Originally Posted by
Lynn
I think its more like their noses are out of joint that the attention has been taken away.
Originally Posted by
buglysprince
I think SOME men struggle with not being no 1 priority and that is not PND
Originally Posted by
buglysprince
I think the problem is some men will use this term loosely to get attention/sympathy because they are no longer the centre of attention,
A lot of women are very protective of their newborn and shut their partner out when they have a baby, its often not a case of the the man not being the centre of attention its a case that they are pushed to the sidelines and not allowed to become involved. I know several of my friends who used phrases like feeling like a lodger rather than a father. That situation if allowed to continue on for a long time can be very detrimental to a relationship.
Personally I didn't have that I was very involved with the kids but my wife had a year and a half of PND with each of our 2 children.
So what is it like living with a partner with PND? Its horrible, a lot of the the time she was cold and emotionless like an automaton, everything was criticised, all interactions with the children were not up how she would do it and thus wrong; she was no longer the person I married often the happiness was sucked out of what should have been enjoyable situations so a lot of the time I dreaded coming home from work. Certainly home wasn't a place I felt comfortable and relaxed in.
She went back to work 3 days a week part way through and as I work Saturdays but have a day off in the week I got to look after the kids unsupervised that day. It was a delight not to have every move watched and critiqued and no disaster befell them.
Although it was about 18 months with each one the last 6 months showed a swift recovery and the darkest that she had been with the 1st was not the same with the 2nd as she was diagnosed and medicated much sooner.
I didn't moan about it, after all I knew the root cause, I just got on with it but it was an unpleasant and traumatic time. The second time was a little better as I knew what to expect and that there was light at the end of the tunnel but there was no advice, or information offered to me about how to deal with the situation, looking back on it I should have gone to the docs and asked but when in the situation I didn't have the same clarity of thought. I do feel that it damaged our relationship as she got out of the habit of showing any affection which persists to this day.
When my wife raised the prospect of a third child I flatly refused as I was not prepared to go through another 18 months of that again. I explained why and she had been totally unaware of the effect on me (and the kids) but I knew she hadn't been aware as that was a symptom of the illness. Part of my coping mechanism was to try to appear cheerful and calm on the outside whatever was going on on the inside as I didn't want to add anything to the hard times she was experiencing.
You feel the need to be the cornerstone of the family, but I can also see that it would have been easy to slip into a state of depression especially if you are predisposed to it. So I would say that its not just the woman that is affected by PND ( or any form of depression) it can affect the whole family.