I'm the first to admit that Oscar can be a right gremlin when he wants to be but what 6 year old isn't? He doesn't hurt other childrne for no reason or because he can't get his own way. Oscar is a very sensitive littel boy though, maybe oversensitive at times but this level of behaviour from someone else towards him isn't warranted.

I don't knwo the grandmother personally. I knwo who she is. She thinks the bully can do no wrong and actually snubs me int eh playground - as though I've caused problems for them so I ahve to be ignored. How mad is that!

All kids can be little sods when they want to be,perhaps the grandmother is slightly embarrassed and doesn't really know how to deal with this child issues,or maybe she is in her own way.....
Talking from my own personal experience,I don't think Tom would have learn't anything from been excluded from school,it would have in his eyes been a reward for poor behaviour, and it would have had an impact on his work he did prior to starting that school, and put him even further behind academically.
Obviously Tom is much older than this lad and it was easier to deal with and explain.

Obviously this child has issues with Oscar,and they need adressing urgently and dealing with,I was notified in the October what was happening with Tom and by christmas his issues had almost been resolved.

I'm not sure why or what reasons the school could give you as to why this has been allowed to continue for two years,I really think you need a meeting with the head asap.

I've just had a cal from the school. The head and deputy head have been out for most of the day and the bully isn't in school today so they couldn't follow it up with him anyway.

oscar has already been spoken to by his class teacher and has told it exactly as he told me last night. This is a good thing as he clams up usually - not wanting to cause trouble for anyone else.

I don't care what this boy says in defence of his actions, he deserves to be chucked out of school. Maybe it won't do him any good. But Oscar isn't going to progress as well as he should do with this chav bothering him day in, day out.

It seems that this boy has had a bad start in life and Oscar is feeling some of the effects of that. It must be very frustrating for you that you can't protect Oscar and the school aren't doing it either. When you are feeling calmer have you considered taking a very deep breath and having a friendly chat with the boy's grandmother?

You need to speak to the school and the grandparents together in an appropriate manner, the school should put thier policys in place and Grandparents should be asked what they intend to do about it and given a letter to state what actions will be taken if it continues.

Having fostered bully and also fostered a child that was bullied I realise how hard it is to stomache, however playing devils advocate it could be that Grandparents of this child feel a great sense of guilt over the 'parents' of this child and spoil him to make up for things that have 'gone wrong' obviously if this is the case they need to realise that this does not motivate the child to do well and not bully, maybe he has contact with a parent that is a bully and this is what he knows and feels is natural, who knows.

But I will say and Im sorry if this doesn't lie well with some, this isn't the first time that you yourself have had a way of putting things...calling a child a maggot and hanging from a tree, although I am aware that you feel protective and frustrated, you are the adult too, and should anyone google your name this could be seen quite clearly, it doesn't project a good light on you. Sorry but I feel for both boys the bully and Oscar.
The child is 6 and can be turned around but he has to be taught and if his grandparents cann't then speak to the police and school, but IMO be careful what you print

Very good advice above.

I know you would kill to save your child hurt, we all would and the other childs problems are not anything to do with you.

It is the school who are at fault as that is where it is happening. They don't appear to have a grip on the situation.

Good luck with them.

rune

Steph - I do see where you're coming from. But at the same time, that's what I think and I don't care what people think of me personally because of this. I've spoken with the police before about this and have spoken with the school at length, many times over. But at the end of the day, the bully is still in that school and for the time being at least, so is Oscar.

The bully lost his mother when they'd been in reception class for about 2 months. I've no idea what she died of but that aside, it must have been horrendous. I can remember how clingy Oscar was at that age and how he still cuddles up to me now at times. The bully hasn't had that. He was left to live with his father who clearly got bored with him and up and left. Neither of his 2 grandmothers wanted him and he got pushed from one to the other until about 6 months later, one of them broke her ankle and claimed she couldn't look after him.
I've never seen anything of any grandfathers but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them.

Now I've looked after Oscar completely on my own with my left leg in a cricket splint after major surgery. So a broken ankle shouldn't have caused that much of a problem. I think she just used it as an excuse to push him back onto the other grandmother.
They even used to put him in the after school club - not because they were working but so they didn't have to bother with him until 6pm every night!

I agree completely that this boy has had no stability in his life and when his immediate family can't be bothered or don't want him, what chance does he have? I do feel sorry for him in a way and would love to know what to do to help him because maybe then he'd stop hurting Oscar. But at the same time, he's been in school long enough to know his behaviour is unacceptable. Additionally, I've had anger and resentment build up over 2 years now and this time I just will NOT let it go. At the same time though I've racked my brain for somethign that will help too. Strange, no?

Now the grandmother that broke her ankle hardly ever has the bully at her house. She does occasionally come and pick him up from school and I've spoken with her, just to say hello really on a few occasions. She does seem to be quite reasonable and I wouldn't have a problem attending a meeting with her and the school managment/chair of governors.

However, the grandmother that usually has him wil actually state that he hasn't done something, even when she's seen it with her own eyes.

There was an incident after school on Monday. Oscar and the bully have just one joint friend. Other than this one boy they have their own groups of friends - so you'd think it'd be easy to keep the 2 apart, no?

Anyway, I'd already walked down the school drive with Oscar. The boy who is friends with both Oscar and the bullyy was just behind us then the bully was just behind him. The bully (now bear in mind he's supposed tobe his friend) pushed this boy over and when he fell, the bully stamped on his back. The grandmother was there and I also saw what happened. The grandmother told the bully "don't worry, he'll be ok" and walked him away. No apology Didn't even ask if he was OK. I went towards the boy to pick him up off the ground and to see properly if he was OK but another parent beat me to it.
So with the one grandmother whothe bully lives with, I really do think it would be a complete waste of time talking to her - with or without the head/deputy head being there.

Now last academic year I made a few suggestions as to how the situation between Oscar and the bully may be helped, although I doubt it will ever be completely resolved.

Some of those were things like :

1. The 2 boys working together for 10 minutes or so with a HLTA who knows both of them. The problem is, they both have to behave in class for the day to do this and the bully doesn't seem to be able to do this.

2. To take the dogs into school at pre-arranged times/dates. I take my dogs into schools to do safety talks. The bully loves dogs so that would be a talking point/point of contact for the 2 boys to be in close proximity to each other for a specified amount of time.

3. For Oscar to be dropped off and picked up from the main entrance rather than going round to the playground at the start/end of the day. I said no to this almost as soon as I'd suggested it. Oscar is already the victim here and I don't want him being singled out and put in a position where he's different from his classmates just to avoid the bully at a time when they children should be supervised anyway.

4. For the bully to be picked up and dropped off at the main office entrance. This would keep him away from Oscar and other children also (as he's not always very pleasant to others) at the start/end of the day.

5. That if the boys did manage to get along for say a whole half term (wishful thinking?), then as both of them love to play football, I'd consider inviting the bully to come and play with Oscar on the fields by the airport on a weekend.

There were a couple of others but I can't rememebr them. the only one rejected outright by the school was number 3 for the same reasons as outlined. Apparently both grandmothers liked the idea ofhe dogs being involved but it was never arranged (maybe it's worth mentioning again).

Tbh - this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I don't hate this bully but I do actively dislike him and everything about him and his family, what they stand for, how they live, the lack of courtesy or common decency etc. But at the same time I wish I could think of something that will put a stop to it for good.

I've never been stuck for ideas before and now don't know what to suggest anymore.

As I've said before, Istill think the bully should be permanently excluded from school. This half term was the very last chance for him to behave himself. What I can't get my head around is that the 2 of them (the bully and Oscar) have different friends and are in different classes. There is no reason for ANY contact between the 2 of them.

I'm expecting a call sometime today from the Deputy Head. I foundout this morning when I dropped Oscar off that the bully was sent home yesterday morning from school for slapping a girl in the face. Not surprising really but as someone else said, it could be sen as a reward by him. The alternative is for him to spend break times etc in the Head's office and he's terrified of her. Although even that sanction has no lasting effect.

About 15 years ago someone suggested to me that I should take a course in child psychology (apparently it's not that difficult after doing chemistry). I wish I'd done it now. maybe I could understand where this boy is coming from.

I fully admit that I'm not particularly in helping the bully but I want to help Oscar and put a stop to this boy's behaviour. Obviously at the same time if it does help the bully then hopefully he will turn his behaviour around. IMO he needs professional help. He never behaves properly at school and I don't think it's just down to upbringing. I do honestly think he has a problem. For example, I always attend the class or year assemblies and masses (catholic school so I have to be good and go to mass - Sunday mornings are obviously not enough ). During these times the bully cannot sit still> he's almost contantly being told off by staff members.

When we took the dogs into the school last year,tobe fair to him, it was the bully who put his hand up to answer every single question. OK so most of his answers were wrong but at least he had a good go at it. His teacher at the time (he had to be moved out of Oscar's class) clearly didn't like him and eventually made him leave the hall. I made a point of having him back in purely because of what we were trying to teach the children.

So there are times when he can behave, he can get along with other children (Oscar included) and eh can be a nice child. So why does he do these things? he must see that if he behaves at school he gets rewarded. Unless, again the reward he's after is a day off.

Right I have read all that and in my professional experience now......here you have a child that is rejected most of his life, either be it at home or at school'
A 6 year old child does not stop and think logical like us as adults do. He feels feelings that he probably can not explain, ie jealousy when he see's other children being taken to school by a MOM, children that have a kiss at the playground gate.
Why do you think he bullies.........he feels rejected, nothing worse than rejection hun.
So you brought Oscar up alone, so you have a bad leg, Oscar still has you and good for Oscar ....you care and love.

A child will happily go without posh clothes and posh grub, but its a cruel world when no-one wants you and its a cruel world when you don't know WHY!!!! Its a Cruel world when you don't have love or when you love and its not returned....did you not feel gutted when things with your ex went wrong....did you not feel gutted when you realised you were no longer loved, because I am sure at some point you did Laura, and you being an adult you can deal with it, you will deal with it for your son.
This 6 year old boy is Yes a Bully I agree, but he crying for attention, and if bad behaviour gets him attention its better than no attention at all
He's found a way to get noticed and now this has become away of life and why would he change that he's getting what he wants to be noticed.

Oscar to him is probably one of the luckest boys alive, so this boy feels resentment and hate........but he knows nothing else.
Go to the school, take all your plans again and again and again, they are fine plans, OK so one Gran says its not my boy, she's probably doesn't know what to do and to put blame elsewhere is easier than admitting they have a problem. If after the meeting nothing is done go to the education, Govenors of the school......but your insistance will help this child in the long run, in the meantime explain to Oscar why this child is most likely a bully.
But if this child gets expelled IMO this will be another rejection and damage is already being done as things are in this childs life.
If you get chance to do the course do it, you'll be surprised just how much insight it gives and it will help you help Oscar to understand too

Hi Laura,
I completely understand your points,
I don't have any answers as to why this child is behaving in this manner towards others,I wish I did.
My son Tom has been brought up the same as my other two,yet he found it necessary for some reason to assert himself by hitting out, and bullying others as he felt there were no other options available to him.

You said this child has behavioural issues ? Do you know if he has learning difficulties too, as usually the two tie in together.
Maybe the school could call in the child psychologist and get this child assessed,if he is struggling at school with his work then maybe this is the reason he's hitting out,a form of releasing his frustrations,not in the appropriate manner so this needs to be addressed.
I always found Tom hard to deal with after he had, had a tough day at school and we needed to channel his frustrations and anger in different directions,i.e he did tennis after school and sports clubs which worked well,he also attended a group at lunchtimes to work on his social skills.

I don't agree with what the childs grandmother is doing,i.e him slapping the girl in the face, and letting him take the day off school,that is not addressing the issue,it's avoiding it altogether, and again not aplogising for knocking the child over....
Maybe a call to social services wouldn't go a miss either because this child and grandmother sound as though they could do with some support,perhaps she just doesn't know how to deal with him and never experienced behaviour like this child is showing,as to not apologising who knows what's going through her head......It must be tough for her also,having to deal with the death of this childs Mum,his father leaving and having to raise this child.I would imagine she isn't young and it's hard been a parent,but to be a grandmother with all these issues going on too,it must be extremely difficult,perhaps she is of the mindset that he's been through enough and maybe that is the reason she won't address this behaviour,I don't know.....(Just thinking out loud.)

There are reasons as to why this child is behaving in this manner,maybe we can't see them straight away and it isn't always obvious,but I don't think the school are doing enough to deal with it to be honest,they need to look further and see if there are any triggers to this behaviour.

Certain things trigger Tom i.e supply teachers,certain children who are determined to wind him up,purely to see him flip in class,he is slowly learning to deal with these with the help and support of his TA.

Excellent post,agree entirely especially with the bit in bold.