I'm every kind of exhausted....

Physically, mentally, emotionally....I'm just wrecked

I don't normally post much about my personal life but I just need to spill. Most of you probably aren't aware that my mum is terminally ill with cancer she had an operation last year then in December we got the news it had spread. It was an awful shock. She's gone downhill incredibly quickly, she didn't even get to start chemo, she just getting palliative care.

She went into hospital a few weeks back and I was busy juggling full time work, caring for Cain and visiting her. When she came out they decided she wasn't strong enough to start chemo. Since then it's been a constant whirlwind of health professionals through the house. I live with mum, my dad died of cancer when I was 4, so I'm taking care of mum by myself.

Every day it's a constant parade of carers, district nurses, Macmillan nurses, GP's, medical equipment deliveries. I can't fault them, every person has been wonderful and caring. But the constant answering the door (she struggles to walk) and locking Cain away (struggles with the bolt) was starting to stress her out, and having been home and experienced this, I can see why this isn't helping in some ways.

She's got to the point where she can't do anything for herself. She's weak, gets stuck and needs lifting or help moving. She can't wash or dress herself. She's given up eating. She's struggling to swallow her pills. She's uncomfortable. It's a constant stream of helping, fetching, bringing, moving, giving mediation, emptying camodes, changing dressings, holding her hand when she cries because she's scared. I don't mind, I really don't, but it's so tiring. Then there's the phone calls and the well wishers, the constant repetition to the question "how's your mum", the relatives who get stroppy because I don't update them every ten minutes, the health professionals who are helpful but call so much.

She's emotionally all over the place as she comes to terms with the fact that she's dying. I feel useless and I don't know what to say. I'm devestated, mum and me are so close. She's my best friend I'll be so lonely without her.

On top of all this, there's Cain, who's no picnic. I'm trying to keeping up all of his training but it's hard to find the time. Around the house he's getting less attention than usual. He gets his daily walk, a food stuffed toy and 30 mins of training most days if I can, but he's still being very demanding. He will whine and squeak and stare for attention and it winds me up no end. He pesters all of the time. Because I've been home more, he expects me to be doing stuff with him all of the time. Mum gets stressed when I leave her to walk Cain, but there's no one else who can walk him, except my dog walker and I can't afford to get him in any more than I already do. It's very difficult to manage visitors in the house with him. Normally I lock him in the kitchen, but today we had someone fix the boiler so I put him in the living room, then the nurse turned up! He ended up in the garden, then barked his head off because he thought I'd forgotten him. Every time someone turns up it's a palava over where to put him. The carers asked about a key safe, but they can't let themselves in with Cain. The only other option would be to shut him in one room all day when I'm not there, but I don't want to do that

On top of all that, I'm on a training scheme at work. It's a very significant promotion and I really want to pass it, but if I don't make my targets then I won't. I've been working from home more regularly, but with caring for mum and letting people in and out, I manage to get very little work done. I ended up working at midnight on Easter Sunday just to get my work done! I really don't want to fail, but it's hard work and time consuming, and I don't have time.

Now mums asked me not to leave her she's had some toileting issues due to medication and I've had to clean her up and change her a lot. She's scared she'll have an accident while she's home alone. I think she's also very scares that she might die alone I've spoken to work about an arrangement, but never going into the office will be almost impossible, yet she's freaking out if I pop out for even an hour to walk Cain Problem is that I need the support from colleagues for advice as I'm still new to the work, which is hard to access at home.

Everythings going wrong around the house. The washing machine has broken down and we have to wait two weeks for delivery. The boiler broke down. The blinking doorbell even broke! Now we think the house might be subsiding so now it's a rush to try and sort that before she dies in case the insurance won't cover it afterwards.

Plus we've had to discuss affairs. Talking about funerals, wills, paperwork. I live in the house but my brother will get half and I don't know what I'll do if he wants to live here, or wants his half of the capital. I don't want to sell the house, I don't want to move but I don't know if I can afford to stay.

I've had to clear an entire room at very short notice (it was full of junk that she's horded over the years) because they decided she needed a bed downstairs that evening. I literally cleared the whole myself in two hours flat them have had to run to charity shops and the dump to get rid of it all to make space.

When i go to bed my mind wont stop so i dont sleep properly. I haven't even had time to really accept the fact that I'll shortly loose my mum. I'm so busy that I'm running on auto pilot, just going from one task to another. I feel like a robot right now. A very tired robot.

If you read all this, I'm impressed. Thanks for listening. I just needed to get this off of my chest.

Not much I can say to make you feel better, but I'm sending huge <hugs> hoping that they'll help in some little way.

You have my total admiration. It's so difficult to care for someone who has special needs and even more so when they are totally dependent on you especially knowing the sadness that is to come

I can only imagine how drained you must be both physically and emotionally.

xx

I feel for you *Hugs*

I wish I lived closer, I'd happily walk Cain for you xx

Thinking of you xx

So sorry to hear all this
Have you taken time out and been to the doctors yourself?
xxx

I feel for you MM. You are def between a rock and a hard place. Can your Mum go into a hospice even if its just for some respite to enable you some breathing space. Have you spoken to your doctor. When relatives phone maybe you could ask if they could sit with your Mum for an afternoon or morning? I am sorry I cannot offer any other suggestions but you do need to look after yourself because you will be no use if your health starts to suffer.
Thinking of you.

Just to say I'm sending you lots of hugs Ive been there and I know it isnt at all easy and its very stressful. I'm now doing it all again for my father in law, so if you feel like blasting off to me please do

lots of love to you

Jeanette x

I'm very sorry to read all this.

No great ideas to help. but just wanted to offer my moral support. xx

I am so sorry what a total nightmare for you.

I really can understand your worries over Cain having had a dog with similar issues myself when people needed to visit the house. It certainly is no picnic.

Does your mum have the Macmillan nurses ? They are there for you too if you need to unload also they might be able to give you some guidance as to what you may be entitled too re: fixing your boiler and sorting the washing machine. I have known two young people since living here friends of my sons who had terminal cancer and ther families got help with these types of things their heating bills and phone bills and some other things. I am not sure if under this Government they are still available but it would be worth looking into. Your mum is very ill and needs the basics to keep her comfortable.

Sending big big (((hugs))) to you both I can understand why you are feeling so low. The idea to look into a bit of repsite care would be good to give you some breathing space and recharge your batteries.

I am exhausted just reading this post. The only thing I can say with some certainty is that this, too, will end

But if it does not end soon, you are on the road to a breakdown.

Please try and get some outside help, everybody needs their emotional batteries recharging regularly and you are going to be physically, mentally, emotionally and financially drained.

X

Massive (((hugs))) xxx