I don't know what to do next
I don't usually post much about my private life but I'm really at my wits end and I just need to a) spill it all out and b) hope some impartial people might have some good advice.
A few years back, my brother and I went to a music gig and he bought best friend with him. I hadn't seen this guy for a number of years since I was small but we got on really well. A few months later I invites my brother to a music festival and he invited his mate. During this period I broke up with my fiancé. I was given my brothers mates phone number to sort out money (I paid for the tickets and he needed to pay me back.) we ended up texting each other and got together at the music festival, although my brother did not know this at the time.
We started off meeting in secret as we knew my brother would not be happy. But stupidly my mum sort of half knew what was going on (I live with her and we have a close, open relationship). Well, thinking she was doing the right thing
because she thought my brother should know, she mentioned bits and pieces to my brother. We didn't want to tell him until we knew it was serious because we didn't want to upset him for nothing if it was going to be over in a few weeks.
Result was by the time we told my brother, he basically already knew and worked himself up into a right paddy about it and the fact we "lied to him and weren't honest" etc. Now my brother isn't a rational person. Our father died when we were young and he's been left with angry management issues. He feels like the world owes him something and over reacts when things don't go his way....and he can hold a grudge forever. Ive seen him jump infront of a bus and yell at the driver for 10 mind be because it NEARLY splashed him with a small puddle
and he wonders why we weren't keen to tell him....!
Well this has been going on for two years now. Basically he can't accept us and can't forgive us. The whole situation tends to rear it's head every few months and it's doing my head in. Yes I get why he might be upset and find it weird but it's been two years now and he can't get over it.
I think a big part is that he feels that my OH picked me over him. The thing is that my brother basically stopped talking to either of us for ages. The OH test him a few times to ask him out for a drink, my brother was always busy
I could see what he was doing. He was being awkward on purpose, wanted my OH to keep trying, to prove he cared. Problem is that my OH is of the opinion that my brother needs to grow up, feels he has done nothing wrong and refuses to keep grovelling. So he stopped texting my brother as frequently and that's made the situation worse. I think my brother bought this bit on himself, he was worried he would lose a friend, but essentially it was his own tantrums that pushed his friend away.
Now I've never been very close with my brother. We are very different people. But the problem is that this is really upsetting my mum. I get the feeling is the same with my brother, he knows we're not close, but hates mum being upset too. The problem is, while I think it could have been handled better by us, I don't think my brother has the right to dictate who I or my OH date. Equally he views it was an unforgivable betrayal and can't let it go.
This all blew up a few months ago and I thought it had sorted itself out a bit. Obviously not. My brother asked my mum to meet him this weekend, he didn't invite me which was a bit hurtful. Mum was aware of this. Then I came home yesterday to find her in a foul mood. She'd just knocked a pot of handcream over and it had taken her half an hour to clean up. As we walked through the door she ranted about this then told my that my brother had had an accident and fractured his elbow and his knee. I asked how he had done it and she said playing netball. Without thinking, my OH (who has an odd sense of humour which my mum doesn't get anyway, she never knows when he's joking) said "that's a girls sport!".
Well that really kicked it all off. Yes, it was a stupid insensitive comment, but he was just joking, it was an off the cuff remark that just slipped out. She was not happy. She told him that that was a horrible thing to say and that he was supposed to be his friend and stomped off. I followed and she turned on me, shouting about how she was always stuck in the middle of the bitching having to listen to comments from both sides. I tried to explain that it was just a joke. My OH came in and tried to apologise but she wouldn't answer him.
I asked her what comments I had said lately. She couldn't name any. I said the only thing I had said lately was that I was upset that my brother hadn't invited me this weekend, and that wasn't a bitch, just an observation. I asked what my brother and his wife had said. She said that they had been complaining, one thing was that apparently my OH hadn't bothered to contact my brother when my mum was recently suffering from cancer to ask if he was ok.
I found this a bit ridiculous. Firstly, they are boys and I know for a fact they would never ever discuss feelings. Secondly we know my brother has very good support from his wife and wouldn't need it from elsewhere. Thirdly my OH was very involved with my mothers cancer through me and he saw my mum at least twice a week. It was a very small patch of cancer which was successfully treated, it's not like she was having a major operation or chemo. I knew Tim wasn't hugely upset. And I could flip this back at him to say that although my brother phoned my mum regularly through the cancer, he visited only a handful of times and he only lives 10 minute away! Also my OH had tried to make contact during this time and my brother was "busy", so what else is my OH supposed to do?
My mum was really upset. Our extended family are not close and she keeps saying "when I die, you only have each other" and she's desperate for us to sort things out. I hate seeing her upset and I hate that she's stuck in the middle, but ne and my brother simply cannot accept each others view on the matter.
So yesterday my OH felt he had to leave as he wasn't welcome. He tried to apologise but she was too angry to reply. Problem is, he had never thought my mum likes him. She's always though that ge was scared of her. I don't think that she does particularly like him. I think she tolerated him, appreciates some of the things he does, but their personalities don't match. I don't think she'd be happy if I married him but she respects my choice to date who I want. Thing is, we'd just got their relationship sorted out and I don't know how it will be after last night
yes it was a stupid comment but mum over reacted, probably after hearing things from my brother about "how awful" my OH is as a friend....because he won't beg and grovel to his tantrum
I don't know what to do. I personally don't have a problem with my brother apart from the fact I think he's being a selfish tw*t. But all I want is for him to forgive me, for my mums sake. I don't want her upset any more. But he clearly hadn't forgiven me. Even if I broke up with my OH, it wouldn't matter, the damage is done and I have no idea how or when my brother will get over this. I literally don't know what I can do. And now I don't even know if my OH is welcome back in my house
He won't want to come over any more.
I more than a bit annoyed that my brother has been stupid enough to bitch to my mum! I mean ge knows it upsets her, doesn't want her upset, so he should keep his mouth shut and leave her out of it.
After my OH left my mum was talking to me normally so she doesn't seem mad at me
She blames my OH for this, like he's stolen her daughter away, betrayed her son and caused all if this mess. I dutifully text my brother about his broken bones and he did at least reply politely to me. Seems like everyone would be much happier if we broke up...except my OH who will have lost his GF and supposed best friend, and the only thing he did wrong was fall for the wrong person. I hate the fact that my relationship is upsetting so many people but I also can't understand why it's such a huge issue that two years later, my brother can't just let it go. He's such an angry, irrational person that I can see no way that I can make him forgive me. I literally don't know what to do any more.....
So this is so long, it's more of a pour it all out exercise than anything else