Why I don't Smack

Spurred on by GSDLOvers really well written and interesting blog about smacking, I decided to put some of my own thoughts on the subject, down on ...well, my keyboard!

I am totally anti smacking. I have never and will never raise a finger to my child (or my dogs).

Why?
First of all, my own life experience.
I was smacked as a child and I remember one incident clearly. I was smacked for arguing back about something, I knew I was right, but I had to back down because I was smacked. I remember thinking 'this proves nothing, other than that you are bigger than me and you are therefore able to get me to shut up. It doesn't mean you are right.' I swore, at that moment, that because of that I would never raise a finger to any future child of mine.

I grew up in the 70's, a time when most people were smacked and it was readily accepted as the 'norm'. When I went into 6th form, I met my head of 6th form and his sons, who explained, in his welcome talk, that his sons had never once been smacked. The two of them were and are fantastic gentle blokes, who have done incredibly well for themselves (and now, their families). I was astounded. I had always been told that children needed to be smacked to be taught wrong from right. If they weren't smacked, they went off the rails. Here, standing in front of me, was proof that was as far from being the truth as it is possible to be. That made my decision not to ever smack, even stronger.

I have worked in an incredible number of child care environments. Residential social work, education, youth work for save the children....I have done vast numbers of training courses and led many of them too, everything I have seen,confirms my belief that smacking a child is wrong.

Children need to be loved. They need to know that they are loved and repected and that they will be listened to. Yes, they need to be aware of their boundaries, a child who is not aware of their boundaries, behaviour wise, is generally a very unhappy one, but those boundaries need to be fair and they need to be consistent.

If you hit a child (and that is what smacking is, lets not pretend otherwise please...it is not a smack or a tap, it is a nice way of saying hit), if you do that, because they are, in your eyes, doing something wrong, then why are they not able to do the same to you, if you are doing something wrong in their eyes? The boundaries there are not clear, there is very much one rule for one and another rule for another. You are able to hit them if they upset you, but they cannot hit their friend in a similar situation. It is a conflicting message that is being sent out.

We all know that children copy what they see, so if they are smacked, why would they not copy that behaviour? They do. I've seen it. (A lot of what I've seen can't be repeated on here, but rest assured it ain't nice what kids do copy.) Children in play, smacking toys (or friends) for being naughty. Is that really what we want as a society?

My son knows that he is totally safe with us and that we will not ever raise a finger to him. He also knows that we would not ever expect him to raise a finger to anyone else. He understands that and he understands why. He is appalled that anyone would ever think of smacking their child.
I know this blog will upset some people who do smack, I am just trying (probably not very well) to explain why I am so anti smacking, I didn't think I should do it at the end of GSDLOvers blog as thats not fair! I am totally anti smacking and I have seen nothing, in my many years of childcare experience, to make me think otherwise, only many things that to me, confirm my point of view.

To rub soap in the eyes of your experience, I was what is now classically called a physically abused child. (So much so that a mere smack would have felt like heaven.) I can hand on heart say that, to the best of my knowledge, it hasn't negatively affected me. In trouble with the law only once, and that was on a night of drunken rebellion on my 18th Birthday, where the lager-demons convinced me that breaking a shop window would be fun.

I've personally never smacked a child, as I find my voice to work well, but my Sisters did, regularly, and I have to say, aside from any obvious bias, I know she gets comments on how well behaved her children are.

The old adage of smacking breeds violence, I KNOW, just isn't written in stone.

I also question the merits of children copying what they see, at least in the sense of violence. We are all, you, me, and everyone else here, naturally capable of reacting with violence in situations which we find frustrating, stressful, and fearful. There is even new research, particularly carried out on psychopaths that the frontal lobe is significantly different in people with a more regular tendency towards violence, indicating that, for whatever reason, there may be a medical or at least physiological cause in a great many people.

I was negatively effected by smacking, as were many other people I know, I know no-one that has been negatively effected by being respected and spoken to about their behaviour and the impact it can have upon others.

My views....I have smacked my children, but rarely. I have asked them recently if any of them remember being smacked and they all said no. I think the problem is that we would all love not to have to smack our children. I believe a lot of the problems with todays youth/children isnt just the fact that smacking is frowned upon but that it has a lot to do with parenting.

I certainly believe that if you raise your children with morals and values then smacking them can be a very rare occurence. Bear in mind I raised a child with ADHD who if he hadnt been taught good values I am sure would be off the rails today.

i'm not saying for a moment that all children that are smacked go off the rails. I don't think that, I think I'm testament to that...or perhaps not?!!!!!
I just don't approve of smacking and outlined some of my reasons for that. I certainly don'tthink that not smacking, creates youths who go off the rails, far from it. The parenting skills are the most important thing and teaching a decent value system, couldn't agree more Roxy. ; )

Enjoyable read

I was smacked a couple of times as a child and I only recall one incident. I wasn't affected by being smacked at all, it hasn't had a negative effect on me whatsoever. Still, I don't really agree with smacking because I believe there are far better methods that can be used to discipline children. All children are different and it's up to parents to decide which method of discipline and punishment are best for the child. I definitely don't agree with the government taking away the rights of parents to discipline their children as they see fit, that's just absurd.

Thanks Trixy, it's an interesting subject!!!

An interesting piece of writing.
I can say that I was hit, not smacked when I was younger and it would amount to physical abuse in this day and age. I was hit with the buckle end of a belt for as much as answering back. Things have now been resolved and forgiven but I would say it has had an effect on me.
It has not affected me in how I treat people. I have never been in trouble with the law, assaulted anyone else etc. I would say it has had an opposite affect on me. I've been on the end of physical abuse so therefore I would not dream of doing it myself and avoid any situation. It has made an affect also that even though I am classed by others as a very confident person, I get very nervous around any sort of aggressive environment such as someone even having a heated argument as this is what led to me being hit when I was young.
I have to be honest and say I don't have children but in my time have nannied and looked after many. I have not found any situation which I could not resolve in another way without resorting to hitting.
I have to say, where you compare to dogs, I feel you are right there. Only once, my dog caught me whilst playing and I lashed out in pain and caught him across the head. It wasn't something I thought about it was just a reaction. That dog cowered and looked at me in such a way I felt sick inside. I immediately rectified the situation and gave lots of reassurance and hugs to my dog who I now hope has forgiven me.
With dogs and children, smacking is to control by fear, not to build a relationship with that child or dog to teach them what is acceptable and not.

Thanks Megan57collies, for such a personnal response. Your reaction to the way you have been treated sounds just like mine.
Big hugs.