Companionship and Training Heartaches
Hi dogsey!
I have a lot of questions and no idea where to turn with them, so I’m sorry in advance if this is an epic-length post and sincerely sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and respond.
I’m the new owner of a 5 1/2 month old chesakapeake bay retriever. He’s my third chesapeake - the first was my parents’ family dog that they brought home when I was about 13 and sort of became ‘my’ boy, the second was my own, which I got after I moved out when I was about 20. My family also had labradors as I was growing up. I lost my last boy to cancer earlier this year, and the lack of dog company was tough for me so alas, here I am starting a new adventure.
This guy came home to me and my husband about 2.5 months ago, at 3 months of age. He’s from a really well known and respected breeder that I, and the breed's community as a whole, trust - she does all the right things (health tests, show and work titles, hand-raises the puppies, takes them to all kinds of places and gives them all kinds of experiences before they are placed in homes, offers a lifetime of support and will take her puppies and dogs back if they can't be kept, etc). She’s been breeding, training, showing, and rescuing them for over 30 years. I had originally given her a deposit for a litter due in the spring, but she ended up having a guy whose home fell through (so pup had been with her the whole time and NOT gone to anyone else), and felt like he’d be a good fit for us. She said he tended to be very cautious in new surroundings but she expected him to come out of his shell with age and experience so long as we didn’t force anything on him and let him explore at his own pace with lots of rewards and encouragement. All puppies and parents, all dogs she had, her home and premises and the dogs’ living conditions, were all fantastic. Everyone was friendly, happy, and healthy and we had a blast running around with the big adult dogs and puppies! We spent about 5 hours with her and her dogs, and I’ve met a good handful of people online who have dogs from her and everyone spoke highly of them and her. When our pup met us he came bounding to us excited, tail wagging, wiggling and hopping, and while we walked around her property he stuck nearby - sniffing around but following us along, his tail wagging and tongue out. When the big dogs came out, he ran around and played with them and seemed a very happy, gleefull pup!
So for the first few weeks we had him we just let him get a feel for us and tried to make sure we were ‘fun’ to be around. He wasn’t overtly affectionate or curious about us, or very interested in playing with us despite our best efforts, so we figured it would just take time for him to settle in. He spends all day with me, so I dropped treats here and there while he was with me, and made sure to give him ample praise for anything good or for showing interest in me. During this time we didn’t do any formal obedience learning because it felt like walking on eggshells - I was afraid that it might push him away from me and I just wanted to encourage fun and confidence in him. Just “sits” for dinner and the occasional treat, which he did very well. I tried to engage him in play with me and his toys but he wasn’t interested no matter what I did. So, I let him have his space and balanced trying to engage him with making sure I wasn’t being overbearing, and thought he’d come around on his own time. We took short walks around the neighborhood and car rides, took him to family members’ houses, and visited a few different places to try keep him exposed to new stuff and hopefully learn to trust me. He walks great on a leash!
After about two and a half weeks he seemed to begin to be warming up a little bit. He still hadn’t sought out attention from us and wasn't interested in cuddles (would take them but, didn’t exactly get excited about it), but he seemed to be more tail-waggy and comfortable overall. This has been tough for me because I’m so used to puppies being excitable, playful, and curious - when I’d sit on the ground every other pup I’d have would come bounding over at least with curiosity, if not excitement, and happy to engage with toys or play. They’d bug me into eternity if I wasn’t paying attention to them or they had energy to do stuff. This guy doesn’t bat an eyelash whatsoever - he will look at me but no matter how goofy a fuss I make, he won’t budge or will just walk away to chew a different toy. He does sleep at my feet during the day and usually follows me from room to room, but he’s just not very….affectionate, or excitable, or seemingly interested in me beyond food and being in the same room. I just keep trying though - praise for this and that, treats, trying to play with toys, as well as hand-feeding him his food (which is tough because he’s just not a big eater to begin with).
He gets on famously with every dog we have met so far - the neighbours’ dogs mostly, various breeds and sizes and ages. He also has done really really well with people; on thanksgiving we went to my parents’ house and had a mess of 25+ loud boisterous people he didn’t know in the house and he did great! He greets everyone with a wagging tail and wiggles the same he did for us at the breeder’s house. I try to take him everywhere with me - running errands, car rides, into the pet store, into the busy dog-friendly cafe up the street, etc. He has been pretty scared of the big wooded park though where we go hiking - we went for a short walk there last week and the whole time he was a bit on edge - head low, tail low, looking every which way at every sound and stick cracking. We just took it easy and I didn’t force him into anything or fuss about anything - just mozied along. He wasn’t interested in any treats or sticks for fetching (which he loves in the backyard), but he walked alongside me nicely the whole time and did well for seeming to be so nervous.
So anyway, about two weeks ago I decided to start introducing the clicker and teaching him his name as I had with my last chessie, my parents’ chessie, and our family labrador. It’s been a big struggle. He’s not terribly food motivated, even if I withhold breakfast and lunch and it’s 2pm and he hasn’t eaten since 6pm the previous day. When we try to work he will often sit and stare elsewhere, his ears back as if he hears something behind him, or looking around for our cat - his focus is everywhere but on me, no matter what goodies I bring out (salmon, chicken, liver, pupperoni, cheese, you name it). Teaching him his name has been so so very difficult - I spent days just saying it and giving him a treat or throwing the fetching stick, and not using it in any other situation, always following it with some kind of reward, but he’s not quite picking up on it. No matter how many treats or games of fetch or what praise I offer for a response, he hasn’t been responding to it (even when there are zero distractions around) and I’m struggling to figure out how to teach it to him and what to give him as a reward that he’d really really respond to. For example; he will be sitting in the kitchen not doing anything in particular while I'm doing the dishes, and if I say his name, only 50% of the time elicits a response - even after days of name + reward. We started at square one with the clicker, just treats and clicking, and even after days of this, the click on its own elicits no response, as if he isn’t putting two and two together (or just doesn’t care). I even bought a new, louder clicker but, alas, no luck there either.
We started puppy classes last week as well but that was a bit of a struggle too - again, food-based positive reward and he just wasn’t engaged the whole time - and we worked mostly on the name, again. He laid on the ground and looked bored, and was far more interested in sniffing around and relaxedly watching the other puppies and people than doing anything for treats or toys I brought with me. He wasn’t showing any signs of nervousness and was totally relaxed the entire time - just not engaged. He had a great time playing with the other dogs at the end of class though.
Our vet visits have gone great. He’s in nothing short of good health, eyes, ears, stool, everything got the A-OK. His favorite thing is playing with other dogs, that gets the biggest response out of him. Second to that is our cat, who is sectioned off away from him in our sitting room - he wants to play with her in the worst way, paws and play bows at her when she comes over to him. She’s curious about him too, but right now he has zero “leave it” or “here” so she is out of the question. Every now and then she sneaks over the gate though and he thinks that’s just about the greatest thing in the world and I’m constantly having to chase her back into her space. Sometimes he gets excited about games of fetch outside (but hates playing them with me - he’d prefer me to just throw things and then run around and eventually chew them, so I haven’t even started asking him to bring them back, I just throw stuff around and let him have fun), but isn’t too into any of his toys inside (we have about 12 different ones and I keep rotating which ones he has access to). He’s really mellow overall, doesn’t chew up the house or bounce off the walls, and everyone who has met him has remarked what a sweet, easy going, well behaved boy he is.
So it’s been a month and a half and he’s getting bigger and stronger by the day, and it’s heart breaking that all of my attempts at winning his affection or trust haven’t exactly paid off, nor has he shown much excitement or interest in anything I’ve tried so far - like I said, other dogs and the cat are about the height of it, and fetch outside every once in a while. I’ve been communicating with the breeder and she has no idea why he seems to be having such a hard time adjusting and was actually worried that we had done something like, strike him or had some kind of accident but nothing of the sort has happened. I haven’t raised my voice even once to him because I’m terrified it would wreck whatever little trust he has for me and I know it wouldn’t mean anything to him. I’m afraid I’m going to have a 90lb dog I can’t control and who doesn’t enjoy my company.
I’m just at a loss. Does he just need more time to get used to us? I was in tears last night because it just seems like he wants nothing to do with us at all and I’ve never had a pup who was so….just, disinterested in anything I had to offer. I have no idea what to do other than keep doing what we are doing - praise, positivity, and lots of experiences, with hopes that he will come around, but he’s growing fast and I’m so afraid of what lies ahead if we don’t build trust and a foundation. My husband has said that if he hasn’t come around by the end of the year, he wants to consider returning him to the breeder because we paid an awful lot of money for what we hoped to be an affectionate, engaging, family friend, and maybe we are just not a good fit for each other as he doesn’t seem to be enjoying us very much.
Other details: I work from home and so he’s with me 24/7. He sleeps in his crate in our bedroom at night and has never had an accident in it (nor any accidents in the house since black friday). He goes on virtually every errand with me except when I have to do longer shopping trips, in which case I crate him for an hour or two while I’m out. I have a gate set up between the dining room and sitting room so the cat can have the sitting room to herself and we get the dining room and kitchen. Our backyard isn’t fenced in so when we go out I have a long 30ft leash attached to him and am with him the whole time - usually I let him drag it around so he can wander a bit but keep it attached so I can catch him if he starts to wander into the neighbours’ yards (he is fixated on *something* in the neighbour’s ivy patch but I cannot figure out what it is) or see him start to eat something (we have a lot of wildlife and stray cats in our neighborhood). I try to get him to play games of chase-me which works sometimes but most of the time he’s more interested in sniffing around and finding sticks to run around with, so I let him and just keep an eye on him. My husband hasn’t really ‘worked’ with him because his workdays have been so long lately but he has taken him on a few walks.
I started trying to work on “come” but stopped pretty quickly because, like I said, treats aren’t big motivators, neither am I no matter what I have, and I’m terrified to ruin any hopes we have of getting a reliable recall going until I can figure out how to move forward.
Any help, reassurance, suggestions, anything at all, would be appreciated.
We have puppy classes but I cannot afford a private trainer or behaviorist right now (which makes me feel terrible and like an irresponsible pet owner who can’t do the ABSOLUTE best for him). I just don’t know where or how to start with this guy as he is SO vastly different from every other dog I’ve had. My dream is for him to be like my others - happy to be with me, to go on adventures, and not listening because he HAS to but because he wants to and associates me (and the stuff we do together) with good times and enjoyment =[ My life has always been oriented around my dogs and doing things with them, and I don’t know how to…just, I don’t know what to do.
Is that just not the kind of pup I have on my hands?